Uncle Josh Checks in with the Alternates

When GMail went live on April 1 2004 I snagged what I thought was the best email to get for myself: jenglish _at_ gmail.com. I beat my brother to it and apparently I beat about 500 other people who continue to use it for various purposes. I get a lot of regular spam, although this is a GMail account so that’s handled nicely. These are things that people do and use my email for.

I haven’t checked in with Alternate Josh for a while so here’s what they are up to:

  • My children Jack and Sophie are costing my $362AU at the Wahroonga After School Care Centre in Mount Colah New South Wales. I’ve been getting these bills since May 2017.
  • I am getting health and death notices for the Capuchin Franciscans in the Province of St. Mary. Clearing these dropped over 500 emails from my inbox.
  • I am receiving invoices for VAT charges from Euolink Motorway Operations. Presumably I’ve been driving somewhere in Ireland.
  • A CEA from Vencore or Mantech wants me to print monogrammed grocery bags.
  • I hope my wife believes me when I tell her that I have not been having an affair with a 53-year old in Barnstaple, Devon, or any number of women (Anna, Shirly, Mary, Nipples (I swear I am not making up these names!), Jess, etc.) that are contacting me.
  • My financial planner from Aiken Kennedy Financial Planning wants to set up a meeting, I think. She’s in Ireland, so I think I’l pass.Maybe they’re a travel agency. They also booked a vacation and a flight from Belfast to Majorca right around my birthday.
  • One of my civics students sent me a late assignment: a short essay on Cambodia. It’s not a good essay but I don’t know how old this student is so maybe it’s appropriate for the learning objectives. There are several messages from other students with various assignments and issues. One was at least kind enough to point out that she is in my “period six and homeroom” and in the 6th grade. (That was sent on September 8, so maybe they’ve figured it out by now.)
  • Someone is trying to log in to my second Facebook account that I created to play social games several years ago.
  • Apparently I’m also signed up for a second online adult dating service in the UK. This one specializes in the 50+ market.
  • Someone in the UK is moving back to Toronto and wants to rent my Toronto house. Again.
  • I went through chemo in October and someone wants to know how I’m doing.
  • I think I have a kid in the Jefferson County Traditional Middle School in Kentucky. I’m getting curriculum information, anyway.
  • I went to Bali in March. As Joan English. I didn’t think I liked to travel that much.
  • I am invited to place a reservation for lasagna in Chile. (I think it’s lasagna….)
  • I attended an architecture school in the ’70’s. In Baltimore Maryland.
  • My Aunt Molly and Uncle Joe (who ARE these people?) want to wish Steve and Janna a happy anniversary in October.
  • I can participate in a “Spring Extravaganza” on 3 September 2017 for only R200pp in Durban North. Not sure what country that is, but the holistic Mind Body Energise claims to have “Internationally Recognized Hypnotherape Qualifications” and a B.Sc. in Computer Science and mathematics.
  • I missed a family reunion in NC when one of our patriarchs passed away
  • I had a reservation for the Nevada Beach Campground in Carson City Nevada (or thereabouts)
  • Someone used this email address for Linked In. I can’t imagine why they would do that. Unless, of course, they weren’t being professional.

This is all from my GMail Inbox, not the Social tab or Promotions tab. A scan there shows I own at least one Porsche in Plano TX.

“J” is a good initial. People mistake me for Jean, JoAnn, Jazmin, Juan, and John.

I’m betting my real brother is really glad he didn’t get this email address.