{"id":391,"date":"2022-07-06T16:43:40","date_gmt":"2022-07-06T23:43:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/?p=391"},"modified":"2022-07-06T16:43:43","modified_gmt":"2022-07-06T23:43:43","slug":"uncle-josh-on-fucking-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/2022\/07\/06\/uncle-josh-on-fucking-up\/","title":{"rendered":"Uncle Josh on Fucking Up"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>This week, and part of last week, and the week before, seem to be a deluge of fuck-ups. Not current fuck-ups, either, but things I fucked up weeks ago that nobody noticed until this week. It&#8217;s a haunting of past mistakes. Many of them are oversights and there are quite a few false memories involved <span class=\"footnote_referrer\"><a role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" onclick=\"footnote_moveToReference_391_1('footnote_plugin_reference_391_1_1');\" onkeypress=\"footnote_moveToReference_391_1('footnote_plugin_reference_391_1_1');\" ><sup id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_391_1_1\" class=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text\">[1]<\/sup><\/a><span id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_391_1_1\" class=\"footnote_tooltip\">I <em>know<\/em> I sent that email but it&#8217;s not in my sent folder\u2026.<\/span><\/span><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_391_1_1').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_391_1_1', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top center', relative: true, offset: [-7, 0], });<\/script>. These errors appear to pile up over me and make me begin to wonder if I&#8217;m able to do my job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And oddly enough, my manager saying things like &#8220;I&#8217;m not looking to place blame, I want to understand the process that didn&#8217;t work out&#8221; doesn&#8217;t help my state of mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Nobody likes to make mistakes. At least, I don&#8217;t like them. They create extra work when I&#8217;m trying to get other things done. It leads me to feel like nothing ever really gets finished, a problem exacerbated by having to mark things done in two or three different lists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When a mistake is uncovered, what I&#8217;m experiencing is called an impression. The immediate appearance that comes along is a small package summed by &#8220;oh shit&#8221;: <em>I have to drop whatever I&#8217;m doing, power up full crisis-mode thinking, find someone else to blame, and have a completed &#8220;Josh saves the day&#8221; response in the next 30 seconds or so.<\/em> Then when I discover I have no one to blame but myself, past associations with bosses who assumed I could read their minds and predict the future<span class=\"footnote_referrer\"><a role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" onclick=\"footnote_moveToReference_391_1('footnote_plugin_reference_391_1_2');\" onkeypress=\"footnote_moveToReference_391_1('footnote_plugin_reference_391_1_2');\" ><sup id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_391_1_2\" class=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text\">[2]<\/sup><\/a><span id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_391_1_2\" class=\"footnote_tooltip\">Why didn&#8217;t you set your alarm for 30 minutes earlier if you knew there would be a traffic jam?<\/span><\/span><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_391_1_2').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_391_1_2', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top center', relative: true, offset: [-7, 0], });<\/script> come forward and demand all my attention, which naturally makes it harder to actually deal with the problem.<br>When this happens to other people, I can dispense advice; when this happens to me, I can&#8217;t hear any advice at all. The tactic I think I need is objective observation. I found a response <a href=\"https:\/\/www.reddit.com\/r\/Stoicism\/comments\/r0o73l\/advice_for_a_young_powerlifter\/hlu1rki\/\">I gave to a powerlifter who was disturbed by past failures under the bar<\/a>. I even wrote<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p>Failure is part of the process.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>But what I was referring to at that point was a process of growth. I do not know at this moment if I see my job as a growth process, even though I am constantly challenging myself to learn new things; to write cleaner, more powerful code; to learn how to use Power Automate (shudder); and to document everything I do during the day. Along many small scales, I am growing, but my job as a whole is not a &#8220;growth mentality&#8221; kind of thing, therefore, failure is not part of the process, because there is no single &#8220;process&#8221;. There are hundreds of processes overlapping processes vying for attention.<br>The first belief I have to expunge is that mistakes are blameworthy. Mistakes happen. I try to design systems based on three rules:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Data Entry Sucks<\/li><li>We&#8217;re Going to Screw Something Up<\/li><li>The System Needs Screw-Up Correction Measures<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>There&#8217;s nothing we can do about the first two rules. They are descriptive. The third is prescriptive and involves lots of scripts cross-referencing different files, and scripts testing those scripts. So I know I have a way of managing screw-ups without assigning blame to anyone. Unless it&#8217;s my mistake. Then I am to blame. I need to fix this thinking.<br>On the same post, another user who is better at penetrating through problems to their root cause than I am wrote: &#8220;A person whose <em>only<\/em> objective was to improve, meaning that they were looking for that failure point rather than looking <em>not<\/em> to fail, is the type of person who would experience no negative mental state.&#8221; To paraphrase him, I want to work in a way that &#8220;does not match the reality of work&#8221; by never screwing up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What my brain is actually doing, though, is trying to devise a model that makes screwing up more difficult. I&#8217;ve been using checklists for a lot of the common complex multi-step tasks I have to do, and these screw-ups have two sources: not checking the checklist regularly, or not having a checklist to begin with. Many ad-hoc tasks don&#8217;t have a set procedure, and it is impossible to predict every possible task that could come my way. So I&#8217;m thinking about a general checklist generation system, a few questions I need to ask myself (and record) before I start any work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Can I do it?<\/li><li>When can I do it?<\/li><li>How long will it take?<\/li><li>How will I know I&#8217;m done?<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>That last question is the vital one, the question I&#8217;m missing in a systemic way. But it&#8217;s still a preventative. It doesn&#8217;t fix my belief that when I screw up, I am to blame and that I am unqualified for my job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I keep a small pile of cards at my desk that get shuffled around and I sometimes even pick them up and read them. They have important truths I need to remember. I have added to my small set of cards the rule &#8220;It doesn&#8217;t matter who is at fault for a mistake, but how we move to correct it.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So a mistake happened. Unfortunately some mistakes cannot be fixed if the mistake was not dealing with an issue until a deadline is passed, and the system was designed on the principle that nobody would ever make a mistake so corrections are always a palaver. I can keep trying organization systems but unless I build the habit of living in them, mistakes will keep happening, and&#8211;again&#8211;this is not addressing the belief that is the cause of my distress. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I could ask &#8220;How would I feel if my manager made this mistake?&#8221; Well, I wouldn&#8217;t be able to really get mad at him because he&#8217;s just as overworked as I am. I would be irritated at the interruption.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I could ask &#8220;How would I feel if my trainee made this mistake?&#8221; Well, I wouldn&#8217;t get upset unless it was a mistake I had corrected several times under several strategies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I could ask &#8220;How would I feel if this wasn&#8217;t my mistake?&#8221; Well, I would, depending on who made the mistake, sympathize or dismiss any anger they have over the mistake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Changing a belief, especially one that is ill-defined, can be challenging. I think I&#8217;ll simply use a &#8220;fake it until you make it&#8221; approach. As I was writing this up over the past week or so other mistakes have come up. One of them was months old, but ultimately not my fault other than I maybe didn&#8217;t foresee this kind of mistake happening in a system I designed. I&#8217;m in the process of updating that system for the next fiscal year, so I&#8217;ll see if I can make the system make the mistake impossible. Wrong solution, but it pays the bills.<\/p>\n<div class=\"speaker-mute footnotes_reference_container\"> <div class=\"footnote_container_prepare\"><p><span role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" class=\"footnote_reference_container_label pointer\" onclick=\"footnote_expand_collapse_reference_container_391_1();\">Digressions<\/span><span role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" class=\"footnote_reference_container_collapse_button\" style=\"display: none;\" onclick=\"footnote_expand_collapse_reference_container_391_1();\">[<a id=\"footnote_reference_container_collapse_button_391_1\">+<\/a>]<\/span><\/p><\/div> <div id=\"footnote_references_container_391_1\" style=\"\"><table class=\"footnotes_table footnote-reference-container\"><caption class=\"accessibility\">Digressions<\/caption> <tbody> \r\n\r\n<tr class=\"footnotes_plugin_reference_row\"> <th scope=\"row\" class=\"footnote_plugin_index_combi pointer\"  onclick=\"footnote_moveToAnchor_391_1('footnote_plugin_tooltip_391_1_1');\"><a id=\"footnote_plugin_reference_391_1_1\" class=\"footnote_backlink\"><span class=\"footnote_index_arrow\">&#8593;<\/span>1<\/a><\/th> <td class=\"footnote_plugin_text\">I <em>know<\/em> I sent that email but it&#8217;s not in my sent folder\u2026.<\/td><\/tr>\r\n\r\n<tr class=\"footnotes_plugin_reference_row\"> <th scope=\"row\" class=\"footnote_plugin_index_combi pointer\"  onclick=\"footnote_moveToAnchor_391_1('footnote_plugin_tooltip_391_1_2');\"><a id=\"footnote_plugin_reference_391_1_2\" class=\"footnote_backlink\"><span class=\"footnote_index_arrow\">&#8593;<\/span>2<\/a><\/th> <td class=\"footnote_plugin_text\">Why didn&#8217;t you set your alarm for 30 minutes earlier if you knew there would be a traffic jam?<\/td><\/tr>\r\n\r\n <\/tbody> <\/table> <\/div><\/div><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> function footnote_expand_reference_container_391_1() { jQuery('#footnote_references_container_391_1').show(); jQuery('#footnote_reference_container_collapse_button_391_1').text('\u2212'); } function footnote_collapse_reference_container_391_1() { jQuery('#footnote_references_container_391_1').hide(); jQuery('#footnote_reference_container_collapse_button_391_1').text('+'); } function footnote_expand_collapse_reference_container_391_1() { if (jQuery('#footnote_references_container_391_1').is(':hidden')) { footnote_expand_reference_container_391_1(); } else { footnote_collapse_reference_container_391_1(); } } function footnote_moveToReference_391_1(p_str_TargetID) { footnote_expand_reference_container_391_1(); var l_obj_Target = jQuery('#' + p_str_TargetID); if (l_obj_Target.length) { jQuery( 'html, body' ).delay( 0 ); jQuery('html, body').animate({ scrollTop: l_obj_Target.offset().top - window.innerHeight * 0.2 }, 380); } } function footnote_moveToAnchor_391_1(p_str_TargetID) { footnote_expand_reference_container_391_1(); var l_obj_Target = jQuery('#' + p_str_TargetID); if (l_obj_Target.length) { jQuery( 'html, body' ).delay( 0 ); jQuery('html, body').animate({ scrollTop: l_obj_Target.offset().top - window.innerHeight * 0.2 }, 380); } }<\/script>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This week, and part of last week, and the week before, seem to be a deluge of fuck-ups. Not current fuck-ups, either, but things I fucked up weeks ago that nobody noticed until this week. It&#8217;s a haunting of past mistakes. Many of them are oversights and there are quite a few false memories involved &hellip; <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":3,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"anyone","activitypub_status":"","footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"1"},"categories":[70],"tags":[162,161,160],"class_list":["post-391","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-armchair-philosophy","tag-appearances","tag-impressions","tag-mistakes"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/391","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=391"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/391\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":393,"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/391\/revisions\/393"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=391"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=391"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuarenglish.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=391"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}