Uncle Josh on Six Words

Back in January 2022 when I started my latest journal I did a Six Words exercise which I believe came from one of the Art of Manliness’ Journal Prompts. The goal of the exercise was to record six words that defined who I am at my best, my goal state, my Nature (in the Stoic sense). At the time I could only come up with five:

– Honest
– Wise
– Dependable
– Knowledgeable
– Just

I never came up with a sixth word until last night, and I think that final word is:

– Calm

I was writing up my thoughts on my bad reaction to taking the bus and planned on doing a takedown of the lies I told myself: a full Stoic meditation on decomposing my feelings into rational and irrational thoughts with reframing the irrational thoughts with positive substitutes. I got a bit to general in my work and ended up thinking too big.

So this is my attempt to think too big. I have turned back to these six words for myself several times since writing them and realized that almost every time I read them I do not keep them at the forefront of my mind for very long. I want to be better and eliminate several of my bad habits that I think make me not such a great person to be around.

To start, I wrote in my journal last night that I need a Taming your Temper course for complaining. I have a bad habit of complaining. If the goal of Stoicism is virtue that leads to eudaimonia then my complaining is my biggest stumbling block. So I will examine my six words in full, comparing them to the Stoic cardinal virtues, and create a fuller understanding

The first five words have always defined me in some way. Stories from my childhood reinforce the idea that these were my guideposts. The one that I do not have naturally is Calm. That is ultimately what I’d like to develop.

So what do I mean by saying these five words were my guideposts? Was I always honest? No, but I have always had a deep desire to be honest and I have always reacted negatively to lies. (Even small pranks, sadly.)

Was I always wise? No more than other children, who sometimes say things so true we write them all down. (My mother kept a notebook and sent me copies of it last year.) But being wise has always been a goal.

Was I always knowledgeable? Of course not, but I didn’t like to say anything but what I knew was true. My family learned the hard way that when I (the baby of the family and considered a burden on the generational Trivial Pursuit team) gave an answer they’d better listen, because I only answered when I was sure. (To this day being told there were only *three* ghosts in A Christmas Carol by cousin irked me; I was insufferable when my mother confirmed my answer of *four* was correct. My team lost a pie wedge over it.)

Dependable? This shows up mostly in my desire for punctuality, assuming I remember. I hate it when I say I’ll do something and then don’t (because I forgot) or I can’t (because I didn’t see some complication ahead of time). I frustrate my managers to this day who ask me for some report and demand an ETA on it and my best answer is “I won’t know if i can do until I try, or how long it will take until it is done.”

Just? I didn’t have the word “triggered” as a child but it describes my behavior towards injustice. I got mad. I got angry. I flew into impotent rages that life was unfair. Was I always a Just and Fair person? No. I was a kid, of course, but the ideal of Justice was there. Growing up in a pro-bully school (and being overly emotional) only made my animosity towards injustice grow.

Finally, I have never been Calm, although I have admired it in the mythological figures I followed as a child, and I still respect it, but I haven’t attained it except in special circumstances. When I was in tech support I would get completely unhinged at the ignorance and stubbornness of some callers. The woman who thought the mouse was a foot pedal. The lawyer who refused to follow any of my instructions for an hour and then wanted to know where to send the bill of all of his time that I wasted. However, sitting in a cube farm on the other side of a half wall where someone else lost their shit after every single call? I was able to keep my composure easily because I had such a bad example of behavior so close at hand. Sadly, when all around my are calm, I tend to freak out. It’s probably my way of trying to get attention.

The way I have defined these traits has a curious pattern:

– Honesty – no false statements
– Wise – no foolish statements
– Dependable – no false promises
– Knowledgeable – knowledge is more useful than ignorance
– Just – to be fair and helpful in all I do

I was struck that three of these basic descriptions are negatives, describing what to avoid rather than what to actively do. I suspect I was inspired a bit by the Doctor (of Doctor Who) who once had a great speech about “never cruel or cowardly” and other qualities that were to be avoided. So the form factor his is probably dramatics, which I respond to, so it’s probably fine.

As we’ll see, there are pitfalls to avoid all along the way.

I also think the order of these is important, or maybe it’s just a matter of focusing on the right one in each situation.