It’s been a while since I looked at what my alternate selves have gotten up to. Some background: When Google’s Gmail product went live on 4/1/2004 I grabbed a coveted first-initial-last-name account. My brother wanted that account (we share an initial) but I think he’s forgiven me, especially when he reads about what that email gets up to.
It did come in handy when I had to fly to San Jose for a business trip and my manager took us to Top Golf and we had to register for an account and I sure as hell didn’t want to have a Top Golf account so I plugged in the old email address, to be greeted as Jonathan and no way to change it that I could suss, so I explained that I was Jonathan for the session of chipping golf balls into the bar behind me.
Anyway, I checked back in and found thousands of emails about various and sundry topics:
- John (my father’ name, I seriously doubt this is his account as he died 25 years ago) is missing all the MyLife updates.
- I don’t know what job I have that uses Paycom Punchcard but I’ve been a bad boy for 242 work days straight, it looks like.
- This may be Jim. I’m pretty sure it’s Jim. Guy needs to take responsibility for his work, man.
- However, lots of emails have subject lines of simply {{count}} so maybe it’s not Jim’s fault.
- Apparently I signed up for DirectTV today.
- I’m still attending some sort of Men’s recovery meetings in New York.
- I think I’m consulting psychics, too.
- James did something and now I’m on a bunch of email ads from one of those god-awful xt-dot-local servers.
- I may be premature. It could have been John or James or Jacob or Jalen
- More death notices from Capuchin Franciscans in White Plains NY.
- I’m going to see the Sex Pistols at the Royal Albert Hall in March. Okay, Jerry is. I hope he gets his tickets.
- Jody seems to be heavily into Indian Meditation. Too bad she’s not into checking her emails.
- I got an email from the Royal Sonesta Hotel in New Orleans that is either a scam or someone got up to something very nasty in a hotel room. Honestly, I kind want to know, but only to put it in a story.
- I may have purchased a car in Floyd County GA. I’m not sure. The email was sketch.
- Cindy from Lake Taylor High wants a summer internship in Norfolk, would “like u as a reference.” That’s a hard no from me, Cindy. Sorry.
- I know damn well that I dumped my LinkedIn profile about six years ago, but I also got a “Congratulations on 14 years with LinkedIn”
- I’m apparently driving for Turvo, which I think is in Kentucky and I think is a gigwork scam.
- I have a monthly MetroNet in Indiana but Jarrett seems to be paying the bill on time.
- I enrolled in Modern Classrooms Project’s mentor program in Chicago. Hopefully this called cleared up. Schools need our help.
- I have an official apology from Covenant Aviation Security for their people being assholes in San Francisco International Airport.
- Wait, why are we outsourcing TSA activity to private companies?
- Oh, right. It’s the Grift.
- I’m still getting Eirtag invoices from Ireland. I used to get VAT taxes from Ireland. Technology progresses, I guess.
- Apparently I flew from Seattle to Turkey to Saudi Arabia in December and January.
- These also make me feel guilty. How much hassle did Jennifer have because she used a junk email address at some point?
- Mackenze Scott Tuttle, claiming to be the ex-wife of Lex Luthor Stan Jeff Bezos, wanted to give my $2.5M because “my email was picked an random.”
- I was invited to the Cross-Cultural Justice Ministry at the Church of the Resurrection in Washington DC, but only once so I think they sorted that out.
- I’m still on some mailing list that is so old there are members still promoting the “please don’t print this email to save paper” messages. Like anyone can print anything these days. We’re out of yellow anti-counterfeiting ink.
- I’m on a list of people in Connecticut that are in some sort of residential management business. Hopefully they’ll figure out why Jim never responds to email.
- The furthest email so far is from CostCo Australia. Wow. I get around. Not bad for a guy without a passport.
- But the Springbok Casino in South Africa gave it a run for its money
- I got a gender reveal (shudder) for Nova Reign (shudder). Quite a Tragediegh.
- I missed my $55 Lash Fill at Beauty by Beltz in Bryan OH. Was I getting ripped off?
- Also, what the hell is a lash fill, anyway?
- A Republican representative for Ohio sent me a survey about the Laken Riley Act. I answered. I left a few choice words about fascism and the futility of cruel and unusual punishments.
After deleting over 14K emails, my storage went from 3.11GB to 2.09GB. There’s less juicy stuff this year.
I’m sorry about the Sex Pistols tickets. Those are £150 tickets.