Now that the weather is amenable I am back to hitting the bar 2-3 times a week. I’m back on the minimized Starting Strength Novice Linear Progression on three lifts: Squat, Press, and Bench. I still cannot Deadlift safely and the only thing keeping me from Power Cleans right now is cowardice.
My goal is to squat 400 by my birthday in early September. Basically, Labor Day. In past years I had pushed past the 300 mark. Several years ago I had a catastrophic failure at 295. I collapsed butt-to-ankles and had to roll the bar over my neck to get out of it. I’ve got much better equipment now and a bar that could actually support that weight. In my head I finished last year with a 345 squat but looking back at my records it seems I really crapped out around 325.
And yesterday I did 325.
That’s a 50 lb. gain in 21 days.
And for the past two or three weeks the bar has been scary. My target workout number scares me, so I delay working out on Sunday (I don’t really have a choice on the weeknights but I did push my schedule back a day once already). I get in the garage and do my warm-ups and the final single-rep set scares me.
I am afraid of the weight all the way up to about the fourth rep of my first work set. Then it seems to calm down.
The fear is real, though. I am afraid of collapsing under the weight again, even though I know I have safety rails that can catch the bar. I might bang my shoulder against part of the rack as I fall, but that’s probably not as fatal as I think. I know I have been recovering lost strength. Up until yesterday I was not in new territory: I cannot say that I am at a 5×3 PR yet. Maybe next week.
I am perfectly safe when I lift. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of it. I know my heart can take the strain. I was in the ER at the end of February thinking I was having a heart attack. I wasn’t. I was fine except maybe a pinched nerve in my neck which managed to simulate all the major signs of a heart attack. I am, at least, no longer afraid of my heart going pop.
It is possible that experimenting with other meditative techniques during the rest period may help. Even something quirky may help. For the past few weeks my yoga class has been hitting tree pose more often that I’m comfortable with and some days the only way through is to think “I am Groot” to hold the pose.
I also know that failure isn’t a setback. This doesn’t really help in the moment, but hopefully it can inoculate me against the inevitable failure. I haven’t failed a set yet this year, but it’s only been 9 sessions over 21 days. I know I will fail a lift. I have imagined the failure and escape several times. Maybe I’ve planned to fail too many times so the failure is fresh in my head instead of the completed lift.
So maybe I should just imagine myself standing tall with all that weight on my shoulders.