My default flight-or-fight response is flight, but in most cases where it comes up, flight isn’t an option, so I tend to fall into an eerie silence. This has saved me from a lot of grief and useless conflict. It has also given me a chance to step back from the conflict and help squash my own ego-driven defensiveness. I know words said in anger do not represent the truth of a person’s heart and mind, but reflect the pain they are feeling in that moment1.
There are lot’s of angry voices out there in the world right now, and my job is to listen to the anger and–more importantly–listen to the truth hidden under the pain. It allows me to also judge the worthiness, or value, of the anger2, because I’m not caught up in defending myself. I know I am not actively or consciously adding to the racist culture I live and work in, but I am complicit in letting it happen. I am not doing enough to stop it. One reason is I don’t have a whole lot of systemic power. Another reason is I don’t always see it or interpret it differently to erase the cognitive dissonance such systemic problems cause. Because of this, I step back, force myself to not let down my guard and force myself to listen to what’s really going on.
However, the anger in the streets these days comes from “stop killing us for no reason” and that is absolutely justified anger. It doesn’t take a whole lot of humanity and empathy to realize that there are people in the world who cannot feel safe. There are people who cannot feel safe when there are police around; there are people who cannot feel safe with Republicans in so much control of the government.
If the point of a government is to make the population feel safe and secure and free, then the United States is failing miserably.
So I listen through the anger. I stop listening when I get defensive. Some days are better than others. If I pace myself I can listen longer.
The next most important thing I have to remember about angry voices is that those voices, the words and thoughts expressed, aren’t about me. Even when someone is screaming insults into my face about something I may or may not have done, it’s not about me. It’s about them. It’s about their inability to keep themselves in control. In the case of the bully, it’s cowardice, in the case of the protester, it’s the only way our white-controlled society listens.
Some tweet pointed out that now that the police have stopped attacking protesters in Minneapolis, the news has stopped covering it all, but the protests are continuing peacefully. The most challenging part of all of this is to continue to listen when it’s not coming from an Angry Voice. It’s easy to dismiss the concern or not take it seriously.
This is why tone-policing is abusive bullshit; “If you’d only stop screaming and chanting and marching and just presented your case in a calm and civilized manner we’d listen” turns into “oh, where you saying something, I was playing Animal Crossing on my phone”.
I can only resolve, every day, to listen for the truth under the pain and try to change the world to be better. I’m not sure what that looks like every day.
1I have met people who disagree with that. So have you, I suppose. There’s always that one person who says you don’t know who a person is until you’ve made them lose their temper. I have the privilege to lump these people in the “Asshole” category and can ignore them. They aren’t worth the effort. When they face someone like me, they see who I am, a coward in confrontation, but they want a fight so they keep pushing and bullying and really don’t want to see who I am, but to make me a short-tempered bully like they are. Fuck that. ↑
2Let’s face it, some anger just isn’t justified. “I can’t call black people niggers,” is one complaint of the racist asshole. No, you can’t. Getting angry over it is like yelling at the wind to stop moving. Go ahead and do your best King Lear impression. It ain’t gonna stop the storm. ↑
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