Uncle Josh Checks In on the Multiverse

Multiverses are the THING these days. The Marvel Cinematic Universe has already started exploring theirs, Marvel Comics has been doing it for years (see Cable/Nate Grey/Nathan Summers/Stryfe/Starglint), DC has done it informally and might be doing something in their TV show (I read on the geekfeeds that they got Michael Keaton^[1]the best Batman to rubber up for some TV show). I, too, have my own multiverse, and it’s time I took a peek.

Way back in 2004 when Google launched GMail, I got the address jenglish@gmail.com. My brother wanted it, and apparently so did everybody else because I keep getting emails for them. This has led to some fun adventures in the other universes where my life plays out quite differently. The last time I looked into the morass was in 2018, so it’s long past due.

With over 38,000 emails just in the Promotions folder alone, this is going to hurt. A lot.

First, some rules: I only click on links that appear to be “unsubscribe” links and even then I use
safe browsing mode. I do not reply to emails except in important circumstances, such as:

Hi there. I'm getting emails for your class, and I've been getting a lot of emails for your class.
I am not, however, a student of yours. I do have an M.Ed and I was supposed to be a high school math teacher, but I could not manage to keep 30 seventh graders calm and contained in a room with only 28 seats, so I failed my practicum.
God bless you for the work you do, and I hope you get the correct student on your mailing list.
Signed, a grumpy old man

Granny Dating and other assorted older-person wants sex scam emails were numerous. I felt dirty just trying to unsubscribe from these.

Someone must have been lonely because all through October I received photos of barely dressed young women in PDF form. Needless to say, I did not click the unsubscribe links, as that only generates more activity in my inbox that makes my wife give me THE LOOK.

Someone named James in Charlotte, MI may have a chance at student loan forgiveness, but since the email claims to be from “Osborn Speaks” at gidiaqtwhnkjulttsignetwise@outlook.com, I have be doubts as to the veracity of this email.

Repeat the above, only address to Johnny in Brooklyn NY, from “Aggy Duffy” at hxixgglezbcmzzpredeterminately@outlookcom. Now I am VERY uncertain about the veracity of these emails.

Repeat again, but for Jalen. I’m now convinced it’s a scam. So much so that I searched for “CARES Act” in my
inbox and boy are there a lot of scams that were spawned from that one.

This is really iffy. I got an email for Joseph (not my brother) who was looking for a debt consolidation loan. The financial consultant sent a screenshot that included 6 full account numbers for credit cards and unsecured loans. That seems like a really bad practice.

My big news this year was that we purchased a house. Only one, that I was aware of:

• Jonathan and Paige were preapproved for a $190K mortgage. Congratulations. This was in November and as a new homeowner I really hope you two got this sorted out. This stuff is time sensitive. To the mortgage broker’s credit, he did not include sensitive information about the couple.
• Another loan was generated from loanDepot for some place in Boron CA, months before I went through that hassle.
• And an agent in Boulder Colorado tried to get a hold of me about my house search.
• Apparently I purchased a house in Rainberry Bay in DelRey Florida.
• I’m getting bills for an HOA in Henderson Nevada and they are less than my current HOA dues. Still, that would mean having to live in Henderson Nevada.

I find a large number of children referenced in my email. This usually comes a shock to my wife:

• I have a child attending Medicine Hat Public Schools in Alberta Canada. They started in September 2019.
• I have a child in a church youth group in Charlottesville NC and they’ve been meeting in person since December 2020. Damn you, keep my imaginary kid healthy from COVID.
• I have a child taking gymnastics classes from the Pictou County Gymnastics Club in New Glasgow, Nova Scotia
• I have a daughter playing volleyball for the Mica Mountain High School in Tuscon Arizona.
• I have a kid who attended the Blue Ridge Field Camp and apparently I hadn’t paid my dues on time. Hope the kid got to go.
• My kid in Brownsville, Virginia did not get their picture in the printed yearbook because I, like most parents, submitted a photo with my kid’s nickname instead of the name the system recognized, so no formal picture for my kid’s yearbook. Don’t people CHECK these things?
• I have a kid in Grade 8 in Toronto. Runnymeade, I think.

There’s an outfit called Bark Team, which looks like a find-a-gardener/landscaper in England. Very cool, connecting people willing to pay for expert work with experts willing to do the work. Know what’s not cool? 5,600 emails in DECEMBER 2021 ALONE. Google said I was using 4.33GB of data on this account before I deleted the emails. Now that they’re gone I am using 3.91GB. I didn’t have the patience to look for the first email on this stuff. It also wasn’t cool to not include an “unsubscribe to all” option on their preferences page.

I’m a peace-loving guy, so I’m very suprised to be getting emails from Ammunition Depot in Boca Raton FL since April 2021.

As a peace-loving guy, you can imagine I don’t like it that the National Victory Action Fund is trying to bilk money out of Joan. They claim the IRS wants to control our bank accounts. Most of the emails are begging for money on behalf of Tim Scott.

I was subscribed to something called UnitedVoice which was pro-Trump, anti-freedom, and buy-this supplement now to save your digestive health. Grifters gotta grift.

Sometimes I get letters about job offers, and it’s sad to think some fool gave a recruiter or potential employer my email address. However, when I seed a job offer for work from home customer service at $105/hour, I am pretty sure whoever it was was smart to use a throwaway address.

I missed the 36th Annual Lobster Roast. Not sure what that is, or where it was, but it was on my mother’s birthday. It was probably in New York, because the same email address also invited me to the Oak Grove Cemetery Annual Meeting. New York is weird, man.

I am still getting tolls for Eurolink Metro in Ireland. The credit card expired in August 2019, but it looks like I owe them a few pounds.

Johnny did the right thing by getting a professional lab in Spokane Washington to do a COVID test. Johnny did the wrong thing by giving them my email address.

I’m also getting emails from MyLife, powered by RealMe, some sort of “reputation management” scam. I find humor in a fake profile being set up with my email.

In Indiana, MetroNet offers fiber internet for $70 month. Ask me how I know, Jarrett.

I have a gas card from Thorntons in Indiana. I suspect Jarrett, again.

One that makes me kind of sad is a group of requests to confirm that I personally know some nurse. She gave the wrong contact information. I hope she found work. Nurses are needed.

Dan and Rob want to resurrect SLP with Jon’s blessing. Whatev. You do you, people!

Last time I did this I discovered a dozen vehicles, but so far, only these:

• Cayenne from Porsche Monmouth.
• A Honda CR-V from Planet Honda in New Jersey

I will check in again, there are still over thirty-thousand emails to wade through, but that seems like enough is enough.