Background: I picked up a very common Gmail address on the day Gmail went live back in 2004, and had to abandon it because it gets used everywhere. I haven’t looked at Alt-Josh in a while, I thought I would check in.
- I created an account at TeachItGeography.co.uk. Pretty harmless.
- I was invited to a “tennis holiday party” in Charlottesville VA.
- I am still apparently heavily involved in the Capuchin Franciscans in White Plains New York.
- I signed up for SnapChat. Again, using “Jessica”.
- I know it’s “again” because as “Fred” I tried to reset my password back in May.
- I apparently went to the movies at Reel Cinemas in the Dubai mall. I had two large popcorns, a regular soft drink, two Shlushies, and Nachos while I watched Fantastic Beasts the Crimes of Grindelwald.
- I bought a Porsche in Plano TX. This is probably why I have an offer to protect the car I bought in Boca Raton FL.
- I also have a notice that my appointment with some overpriced stylist in Brentwood CA. Apparently I’ve been seeing him since August to gloss my hair or something. I don’t even know what that means.
- My kid is attending classes in the Richland School District in Washington. I have a kid? Does my wife know? How am I managing that when I have a Cub Scout in Central Florida?
- I have rewards points with a sporting thing in Phoenix. They are about to expire. Sorry Jerry.
- My dentist in Austin TX misses me. I guess now that I have a real job I can’t blame crappy insurance for skipping dentist appointments, right?
Have to pause. Apparently deleting emails is now considered “suspicious activity” so I have to secure the account.
- I received a very dangerous offer of the NSFW kind and all I’ll quote is the first few words: “Mistress: I look at your profile…”. Uh. No. This is much worse than the six or seven accounts created on an English “over-50 hookup” service.
- My Pinterest account got locked, which is strange because I use Pinterest with my real email address.
- An unnamed “Insurance Rate Consultant” is offering “$25o,ooo Hybrid insurance for as low as $1o perm month”. I don’t edit these except for profanity, people.
- I also was welcomed to some Reverse Mortgage scam. I have no mortgage. The email is a lot of blank lines until I think a text dump of more ad-scams: Night Owl Crochet Hexagon Blanket Patter Free Plans for Triple Bunk Beds Tulip Stitch…”. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN BEATNIK POETRY SLAMS TRY TO MONETIZE.
- Some whose name would work with this email address forwarded their contact information for the NAACP in Baltimore
Okay, the main Gmail tab is kind of boring. Let’s check the Social folder. This one may have valid notifications because I did use this email account to setup a Facebook account so I could play sociopathic games and not bother my friends.
- More twitter accounts for Juan.
- Various requests to join Linked In accounts, and I know this email doesn’t have a LinkedIn account. Invites from Glen Falls New York, the Department of Healthcare in Washington DC, a broker in Indianapolise IN, Travel Agent in Cincinnati OH, a business development manager (whatever that is) for some military outfit in Columbia SC, and to top it of, some dude in Chile.
- Oh come on, there are still travel agents in this country?
- Someone named Wendy (or at least claiming to be named Wendy) tried to set up an Adult Friend Finder account.
Sheesh, that was no fun at all. Promotions! That’s where the real junk lies.
- Here are all the “Over-50 Hookup” emails. Boy. This system is disparate. Three emails a day. The email count went from 9,223 to 8,808 after clearing these out.
- Wish.com would really like Jennifer to spend some money.
- Here’s a local email that shouldn’t be possible: I am an alumnus of the University of Maryland. Pretty impressive as I’ve never been further east that Stratford, Ontario*. I’m not sure what year I matriculated, though.
- I’ve also been a student at the University of Southern California Sol Price School of Public Policy. Sheesh. I knew I was a polymath, but that’s stretching it a bit, isn’t it?
- Even worse, I apparently follow UCLA Women’s basketball. I hope my brother and my wife can forgive me for that.
- I’ve apparently been house shopping in South Carolina since July.
- More potential local shopping at “The Brick” in Edmonton Alberta.
- I used “Jedidiah” as my name when I visited at least one IHG hotel. They want me to pony up for their rewards club, anyway.
- I think I have a luxury condo or work-space in West Hollywood CA. I guess that makes me even more pretentious that J.K. Rowling!
- I think this is international: Hippo.ca.za has my business. I’m not sure what it is. This is South Africa so that makes sense. A couple of years ago I missed a chance for a weekend getaway spa treatment where you do yoga and people hit you with hot rocks or something. I also have several offers to join a wine club in Cape Town.
- I’ve been ordering Domino’s online since October. Anyone who knows me knows I refuse to eat Domino’s pizza.
This is depressing, folks. So many of these unwanted emails are coming from national (or international) chains. Does this mean local businesses are better at maintaining accurate lists or is because local businesses are giving way to the national businesses.
As I was writing this post, deleting emails, I got a “Farewell from Footlocker” as they haven’t heard from me so they are promising to cull my address from their list. The oldest email I have from them is dated 12/18/2017, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that I deleted a similarly large batch last year.
I love tracing Alternate Josh through the multiverse, but this has been a dull dip into mindless spending on lowest-common denominator crap. The bright spot (pun intended) is an invitation to the lighting of one of those Christmas Tree streets (like Portland’s Peacock Lane) in Chigago IL: Gallagher Way. I totally missed it. I hope it was fun and the toy drive went well and the kids all oohed and aahed and got a bit of hope for the season, because Lord knows we all need it.
Comment about Stratford: Yes, I was born in the Camp Lejeune base hospital but grew up in Sparks Nevada so it’s not like I have any actual memories of the place.